Once A Month
by gangling freak
Summary: The Dark Magician Girl has a tiny "female problem" and the Dark Magician will go through anything and everything to help her!
1. the bloody show!

A/N: Ha ha ha ha.... This is my pride and joy! A 35 page novel on notebook paper! It's a beloved saga about the Dark Magician Girl starting her period! Bum bum bum! Yeah... well anyway, this story was written by me, GF, and a friend of mine, Heather. Together our comic genius has produced a winner. And now I want to share it with you all!  
  
"Once A Month"  
  
By gangling freak and Heather  
  
Chapter 1- The Bloody Show  
  
DM- Dark Magician  
  
DMG- Dark Magician Girl  
  
* The DM is sitting on his couch reading the duel monsters newspaper*  
  
DM- Feral Imp gets elected president of the shadow relm?!...What the hell is this world coming to?!  
  
*The DMG comes out of the bathroom in shock*  
  
DMG- Ahhh! Oh my RA, I'm BLEEDING, DARKY!!!! *puts her hands on her face* I need medical attention! Someone! Is there a doctor in the house?!  
  
DM- O.o...Why the hell would there be a doctor in our house?  
  
DMG- I DON'T KNOW!! BUT DID YOU HEAR... I'M BLE-EDING! MA-A-A-STER!!  
  
DM- *hops up in shock* WHAT?! Bleeding? Where? *worried*  
  
DMG- Ummm... *hesitates*  
  
DM- Where is it? You can tell me! *holds her hand in his own*  
  
DMG- *closes her eyes in embarassment* I CAAAN'T TELL YOU! ITS... PRIVATE! *blushes*  
  
DM- O.o Private??? Can you show me? Otherwise there's nothing I can do for you!  
  
DMG- I can't show you if I can't even tell you! *frantic hand-motions*  
  
DM- Well how can I help you then! *frustrated*  
  
DMG- I don't know!!!  
  
DM- Well, then write it down!  
  
DMG- I don't know the scientific term for it!! I can't spell it!  
  
DM- Then write the slang term for it!  
  
DMG-...*pauses* There's a slang term?  
  
DM- It's the year 2000! There's a slang term for everything!  
  
DMG- Well, I don't know that either! *begins to get teary eyed*  
  
DM- Oh, Please... Don't cry! I can't stand girls crying!  
  
DMG- *starts crying* WAAA! You're not... gonna...help...me! *whines*  
  
DM- Shh...shh...*tries to calm her down* I'm going to help you. I just need a little more...information.  
  
DMG- *sniff* Well...I think... maybe...  
  
DM- Oh! *idea* Maybe you should put pressure on it!  
  
DMG- O.o I don't think it's one of "those" kind of things!  
  
DM- Well what kind of "thing" is it?  
  
DMG- Ummm...a female... thing...  
  
DM- O.o A "female" thing?... Is it... *motions in the chest area*  
  
DMG- No!...no, no! It's somewhere...else! *blushing*  
  
DM- *looks down slowly* Ohh... I... see... Um...  
  
DMG- Do you think it might be an STD?  
  
DM- Uhh... well... *sweatdrop*  
  
DMG- HOLY CRAP! I HAVE GENITAL HERPIES! DON'T I? YOU CAN TELL ME! *scared*  
  
DM- Well... Maybe... you...  
  
DMG- Or maybe it's gonoreah... Or sypilis... Ra, I hope it's not... HIV... I HAVE AIDS! ITS AIDS... I KNOW IT IS! *falls to her knees and cries*  
  
DM- *kneels beside her and craddles her chin in his hand* You don't have an STD, sweetheart... You've never engaged in sexual activities... You're still a virgin...  
  
DMG- Well... couldn't it go airborn? *sniffles*  
  
DM- No... It can only happen if you were to exchange "bodily" fluids...*embarassed*  
  
DMG- Well... couldn't it still be... AIDS?  
  
DM- No... You'd have to be born with it and would have learned about it as a young child.  
  
DMG- O-kay... but what do I do? Darky?  
  
DM- Go in the bathroom... and stay there until I get back.  
  
DMG- But... where... where are you going? *timidly*  
  
DM- Don't worry *kisses her fore- head* stay put and I'll be back! Trust me... I promise.   
  
*he leaves*  
  
***HA HA HA! Cliffhanger! WAIT TIL YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!! PLEEEASE REVIEW!!!!  
  
GANGLING FREAK*** 


	2. the supermarket!

A/N: BWA HA HA HA HA! I'm ba-ack and so far the DM has left and the DMG is in the bathroom and our story begins... again...  
  
Chapter 2- The Supermarket  
  
* the DM walks into a Piggly Wiggly's to go "shopping"*  
  
Employee- *at the door, in a monotone voice* Welcome to Piggly Wiggly's. Can I interest you in a free book of coupons?  
  
DM- Umm... not unless you have one for "feminine" products?  
  
Employee- *raises eyebrows* Uhh... Sir... I have to check something... in the back... good day! *slowly steps back and runs off in the opposite direction*  
  
DM- ??? What was that about? *blinks twice*  
  
*he walks through the automatic doors*  
  
DM- WOW!...*the store is full of people and products*  
  
*the DM walks around, looking for the right aisle*  
  
DM- Crap! Where the fuck are the feminine products!... I think I might need some help!  
  
*turns around and sees a little old lady with a jacket that has a name tag that says,"Hi, My name is EDNA."*  
  
DM- Excuse me *looks at her name tag* Edna... Can you...  
  
Edna- Oh, I haven't seen you for years! HOW ARE YOU!?  
  
DM- O.o Uhh... Ma'am... I've never met you... before.... in my life.  
  
Edna- Ohhh! *squints through her huge-ass glasses* You're not my son, Herman, are you?  
  
DM- Umm... no.  
  
Edna- Oh, well, then! *grabs his cheek and pulls him closer* What can I do for you, hon?  
  
DM- O.o Uh... Well... I need to know where the... feminine products are.  
  
Edna- The poultry? *she's a bit deaf*  
  
DM- Uh... no... *looks around* the um... *whispers* feminine products.   
  
Edna- Oh, Poultry is on Aisle 3!  
  
DM- Uh... no... not Poultry. NOT POULTRY. *a little bit louder* I need feminine products!  
  
Edna- Poultry! Aisle 3! Sonny boy! ^_^  
  
DM- NOT POULTRY!! *yelling* FEMININE PRO-DUCTS!!  
  
Edna- Oh, o-kay... I'll walk you there, sonny...  
  
*as the old woman is leading DM, a guy passing by "coughs"*  
  
Guy-*ahem* Faggot!  
  
DM- *looks down and blushes* Oh, Ra....  
  
Edna- Here we are! *smiles brightly*  
  
DM- *looks around and sees meat* What the??  
  
Edna- Poultry! *smiles then walks away* I hope you find that turkey you were looking for!  
  
DM- *pulls at his hair* AHHHRRRRRGG!!! CURSE YOU EDNA! AND YOUR FUCKING TURKEY!!! *picks up a turkey and slams it to the ground, the legs fly off and one hits the guy who said faggot in the face! *  
  
Guy- Uhhh! *falls over*  
  
DM- O.o Oops... *runs off*  
  
*he finds another person to help him, a pimple faced, geeky teenage guy*  
  
DM- Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to know where the feminine products are, right?  
  
Teen- Uhh... *squeaky voiced* Why would you be looking for the girls aisle?  
  
DM- Because... I just am...  
  
Teen- You're not gonna buy something for yourself are you? Cause thats just...  
  
DM- I'm buying something for a friend if you don't mind! Besides, its none of your damn business anyway!  
  
Teen- Sheesh! You don't have to be so mean! They're on aisle 3, I think...  
  
DM- *pissed* AISLE 3?! I Just came from there, and it's nothing but frozen birds! Now, you tell me where it is or you'll get worse than Edna did!  
  
Teen- O.o O-kay! O-kay! Aisle 5!... Please don't kill me! *cringes*  
  
DM- *shaking his fist* Are you for sure!?  
  
Teen- Yes! Yes! Just don't hurt me!  
  
*DM finds aisle 5*  
  
DM- *reads sign* Shampoo, hygenic products..., feminine products! Yes! The geek was right! *runs down the aisle and finds it*  
  
DM- Oh... My... Ra... *looks up in awe*  
  
*the whole shelf is filled with pads and tampon boxes of different brands and sizes and prices*  
  
DM- *mouth drops open* HOLY CRAP! *sees all the boxes* PADS! TAMPONS! What the hell?! *picks up a box of tampons and scratches his head, reading* Strong and long-lasting. Holds like the Hoover Dam!? WTF??? *frantically* What the hell, which one am I supposed to buy? GAAAAHH!!  
  
*He decides to buy one of everything, so he lugs the pile up to the register and flops it all down*  
  
DM- Fweeeew! *sweatdrop* Maybe I should buy her some reading material. Hmm... *picks up a Cosmo girl*  
  
Cashier- *checking out the "objects"* Well... daughter on her period?  
  
DM- Uhhh... She's not my daughter... she's... a friend.  
  
Cashier- Sure... *a box of tampons and the cosmo girl don't ring up right* PRICE CHECK ON BOX OF TAMPONS AND THE NEW COSMO GIRL!... PRICE CHECK! *everyone stares at DM*  
  
DM- GAWWW! *impatient* HERE! Here's 200 bucks! Keep the change! Consider it a donation! You should buy Edna a hearing aid! *leaves the store in a rush*  
  
***BWA HA HA HA! Stay tuned for pt 3... homecoming! gangling freak*** 


	3. Author Note

Hey guy's! Updating on this fic might be a little slow... I'm not sure how long it'll take me to write it! Pt. 3 is almost done though! So stay in tune! Thanks a lot for reviewing too!!! I only live to write comedy, so you're aknowledgement means a lot to me! Trust me though, the story will get better! The DM will have much more to go through before it's all over! Peace out and Rock on!  
  
GANGLING FREAK 


	4. the homecoming!

GF- Time for Pt 3! Bwa ha ha ha!   
  
Target- Hewooo!  
  
GF- Shut the f--k up Target!  
  
Target- Make me loser monkey! Ahahaha!  
  
GF- *slaps target* DIE BITCH!!! GAAAAH!  
  
Target- Looks like I was put in my place. -__-*  
  
GF- Yes!!!! ^.^ Okay, on with the story! ****  
  
*the DM arrives back home in the late evening*  
  
DM- *wearily* Fweeeew... *hears DMG singing to herself* What the???  
  
DMG- I will survive! I will surrr-vive! Whooo! Yeah! Go me! *giggles*  
  
DM- O.o *hauling all the shit into the bathroom* Whats going on?!  
  
DMG- *happy to see him* YAY! MASTER! YOU'RE BACK! *sees all the crap he brought in* What's all this? Oooo! Is it toys? Are we building a rocket? *claps her hands excitedly*  
  
DM- Umm... no... *sees the "mess" in the bathroom* Looks like you made quite a mess...huh?  
  
DMG- Mm-hm! *blinks perkily* How can we build a rocket with cotton balls?? Ooo! What are these!? *picks up a box of tampons* Hm... Tam-pons... Really! *opens the box and takes one out* Hey! It looks like a gun! These are cool! What are they for?  
  
DM- We're not building a rocket... These things are gonna help stop the bleeding... I hope.  
  
DMG- *pushes the applicator hard and the tampon shoots out and hits Darky in the face* POW! You're dead! *laughs, sort of giggly*  
  
DM- O.o Don't do that. These are not toys. Now... let's see how this works... *reading a box of tampons and pads* Hmmm...  
  
DMG- *rumagging through the pile* Hey! What are these for, Darky? *holds up a box of Stay Puff Marshmallows* Are we gonna use these?  
  
DM- O.o?? Oh! Those are... mine! *snags the marshmallows and shoves two in his mouth, he smiles* Mmm... good... *too himself* Wonder how these got in here???  
  
DMG- Oooo! Let's play chubby bunny! *giggles* ^_^  
  
DM- *manages to swallow the marshmallows* No...no... we have to stop that bleeding first... Now, here are the directions for a tampon and a pad.  
  
DMG- *looks at the DM, confused* What do they do?  
  
DM- Umm...Well...*sweatdrop* the pad goes on the outside of you... on your underpants... And... the tampon... Er... it goes... inside... you know...up... there....  
  
DMG- Oh... Maybe I'll use the... tampon instead of the pad. *takes one out of the box* Hmmm... *reads the directions* Umm...  
  
DM- Well... I think I'll leave you to your... business... O-kay? *gets up to leave*  
  
DMG- NO! Wait Darky! *eyes wide*  
  
DM- What?... What's wrong? *blinks and comes to her side*  
  
DMG- Well... Umm...*shows him the directions* I can't read these!!! *panic* Besides! What the hell is bano?! *pronounces it bono*  
  
DM- *takes the instructions from her* It's bano, sweetheart... And you were looking at the spanish side of the instructions. *he smiles warmly at her*  
  
DMG- Oh...*she looks at the english set* Thanks, Darky-Poo! ^___^  
  
DM- *blushes* Sure... No problem... Now I'll be just out here... o-kay? Yell if you need anything.  
  
DMG- WAIT! MAA-AASTER!  
  
DM- What? What's wrong now? *clueless*  
  
DMG- I don't understand... What is that? *points at a picture on the instructions*  
  
DM- Thats... The tampon. *looks at her*  
  
DMG- Oh... Well, what is this? *points at another picture*  
  
DM- *blushes* Um... Well... That's... that's... you.  
  
DMG- Me? *points at herself*  
  
DM- Yes...  
  
DMG- You mean that's me? In the instructions?! Woooo-hoo! My ovaries are famous!  
  
DM- NO! No! That's not YOU! That's... what you look like... inside!... Where did you learn the word ovary?  
  
DMG- It's says so right here! *shows him*  
  
DM- Ohh... I see...  
  
DMG- Darky, I need to know how to do this... Could you help me?  
  
DM- Umm... *scratches head nervously*  
  
DMG- Pweease?? Darky?? *puppy dog eyes*  
  
DM- No... not puppy dog eyes... I... can't resist... too...cute... Oh, alright, I'll help you.  
  
DMG-Yay! ^___^  
  
DM- Hold on... one moment... *runs out of the bathroom and returns with a doll and an exacto-knife*  
  
DMG- What's the knife for?? What are you gonna do to the doll, Master?  
  
DM- I'm gonna help you... I'll show you how its done! *takes the knife and cuts a huge hole you know where!*  
  
DMG- O.o HOLY CRAP! What did you do that for? *DM takes the tampon and "inserts" it in the doll* Oh...Oh... I get it now! So I have to... *points at the tampon*  
  
DM- Yup.  
  
DMG- In... me? *points at herself*  
  
DM- Uhh-huh! Can you do that?  
  
DMG- Sure!...Can you... um... *points out the door*  
  
DM- Yes! Yes! Sure thing! *leaves the bathroom and closes the door* I hope she'll be o-kay...  
  
*he hears the DMG start to sing again*  
  
DMG- Girls just wanna have fu-un. Oh, girls! Just wanna have fun!  
  
DM- *shakes his head* Strange girl... *laughs to himself*  
  
DMG- *changes the song* 99...red balloons! Uh... do, do, do, do, do! *humming*  
  
DM- O.o Hmm... *eats more marshmallows*  
  
DMG- *comes out of the bathroom* Umm... Tah-dah! *laughs*  
  
DM- Did you do it?!  
  
DMG- Yup! ^__^ Sure did!  
  
DM- Did you do it right?  
  
DMG- Umm... I think so!  
  
DM- Did you put it in the right place?  
  
DMG- I think!  
  
DM- Are you still bleeding?  
  
DMG- Nope.  
  
DM- Then you put it in the right place!  
  
DMG- Was I supposed to put the string up there too? Cause I did... *nervously*  
  
DM- O.o****** OH SHIT! *wide eyed*  
  
DMG- What?! What's wrong?! Was I not supposed to?! DARKY!! *hugs him* I'M GONNA DIE!!! *crying*  
  
DM- Just calm down... You're not gonna die... but we need to go to the hospital!!  
  
***And that'll be part 4! Ha ha ha ha! Algebra is the ultimate evil!  
  
GF 


	5. the hospital!

A/N: Wasssap?!?! Here's part 4 of my badness story!!! Thanks to all my reviewers, you guys are the motivation to me continuing this story!! I would like to ask though... Does anyone want a sequel??? I thought I would make DM and DMG go on a vacation to Cancun, Mexico!!!! I'll add in the same stupid crude humor, plus more duel monsters!!! So, If you want a sequel, just say so and I'll get to writing it!!  
  
4: The Hospital!!!  
  
*the DM and DMG fly out of the door of their home. They are on their way to the hospital...*  
  
DM- *running* Hurry up!!  
  
DMG- *walking like she has a corn cob up her ass* I'm trying!! *starts to run bowlegged*  
  
DM- O.o Oh Ra! I can't be seen with you running like that! *covers his face*  
  
DMG- I'm sorry master... *hangs her head, tears form in her green eyes*  
  
DM- *guilt-stricken* It's o-kay... come on... *he picks her up on his back ((piggy back style!!)) and starts to run again*  
  
-----------------------------------------HOSPITAL-------------------------------------------  
  
*the DM goes up to the front desk, there's a nurse at it*  
  
DM- Excuse me, ma'am? *the nurse looks up*  
  
Nurse- Can I help you, Sir? *smiles*  
  
DM- Um... Welll... I... *scratching his head* Ya see... she... well... um... with her... err... um... uh... yeah... and... yeah... *sweatdrop*  
  
Nurse- *blinks twice* Umm... What was that??  
  
DM- Well... err... uh... *blushing* she... she...  
  
DMG- I'll take it from here, Darky. *DM sighs with relief* Well, I put a tampon-thingy where the sun don't shine... and it sorta got... stuck... up too far... *smiles innocitly and shyly*  
  
Nurse- Oh... I see! You want the OR! I'll contact a surgeon!  
  
DMG- O.o**** SURGEON?! ARE YOU GONNA CUT ME UP?! *puts her hands on her head and panics* Oh, RA NOOO!!! ((god...she panics a lot...))  
  
DM- *puts his arms around her* Shhh... Shhh... It's alright. *he speaks sweetly* You're not going to be cut up. *he cups her chin with his hands* I'd never let anyone hurt you.  
  
DMG- *smiles warmly and throws her arms around his neck* Thanks, Darky! *kisses him on the cheek*   
  
DM- *blush*  
  
Nurse- Aww... how sweet... You two must be boyfriend and girlfriend, huh?  
  
DMG- *blushes wildly*  
  
DM- Well... actually... we... we're just close friends... yeah... and... yeah... *blushing*  
  
Nurse- Oh... alright... *buzzes the doctor* While you're both waiting for the doctor, you should fill these out! *hands the DM an ass-load of papers* You can sit over there!  
  
DM- O.o Holy crap...  
  
DMG- That's a lot of trees! *looking the pile up and down*  
  
DM- No shit. *takes them all over to the waiting room and begins to fill them out* O-kay... name... Hmm... Should I put Dark Magician Girl?  
  
DMG- I guess... unless you want to put what you called me that one night... at the movies!  
  
DM- O.o*** Urm... No.  
  
DMG- O-kay. *smiles*  
  
DM- Sex... Fe- *cut off*  
  
DMG- NO! I AM A VIRGIN! PUT NO DOWN!  
  
DM- *sweatdrop* Uh... it doesn't mean it that way... It means... are you male or female.  
  
DMG- Oh... yeah... Female then!  
  
DM- Eyes... green... *smiling* hair... blond.  
  
DMG- I don't really act like a blond, do I Darky? *snuggles his shoulder and gives puppy dog eyes*  
  
DM- Uh... *sees the adorable face* NO! Not at all! You're as sharp as a tack! *thumbs up and winks*  
  
DMG- Yes... I am smart... aren't I?  
  
DM- Yeah... *under his breath* Just a bit ignorant is all...  
  
*the doctor enters the room while DM is filling out the paperwork*  
  
Doc- Hello! You are de patient I am to be seeing today, eh? *he's Russian*  
  
DMG- Umm... Yeah, me.  
  
Doc- Vright dis vway *she reluctantly follows him into the OR and DM is right behind her* Oh, no! *stops DM*  
  
DM- What? What's wrong?  
  
Doc- You vwill stay out here and do de papervwerk, boy! *pokes him in the forehead*  
  
DM- Why can't I come with her? I don't want her to be alone!  
  
Doc- You stay and do papervwerk! ALVRIGHT?! *angry*  
  
DM- Alright... fine... *sits back down*  
  
Doc- *walks down the hall, mumbling* Damn pushy Americans! Alvways vwith der complaining!...  
  
DMG- Hmm... *to herself* we're not American?! *looks at DM one last time* Bye, Darky... *blows him a kiss and leaves*  
  
DM- *catches the "kiss"* Take care...  
  
--------------------------2 hours later------------------------------------------------  
  
*he finishes the paperwork and goes to the OR to look for DMG*  
  
DM- Hmm... *looks in all the rooms* She's not here... ((the search is on!!!))  
  
*the DM looks high and low for his faithful partner, but she is nowhere to be found*  
  
DM- Dammit! Where is she?! *worried* I hope she's alright. *he's stopped in the hall by a man holding a plastic cup*  
  
Man- Random Drug Test, Sir!  
  
DM- Huh?! Wha?  
  
Man- Pee in this cup. * holds it out to him*  
  
DM- What?! You can't just...  
  
Man- Oh, yes I can! Now do it or you'll be facing some charges!  
  
DM- Alright... *takes the cup and begins to walk away*  
  
Man- Whoa! Hold it right there! *stops DM*  
  
DM- What!? What is it now!? *frustrated*  
  
Man- You have to do it here.  
  
DM- O.o What?! In the hallway?! Are you nuts?!  
  
Man- Nope, but its the only way I'll know if you did it or not! Now, fill 'er up!  
  
DM- Turn around then! I don't want you looking!  
  
Man- I'm afraid I can't do that. You could run off! NOW DO IT!  
  
DM- FINE! RA! *ready's himself to piss in the cup*  
  
Man- DO IT!  
  
DM- I am! I am! *doin' it*  
  
Man- Hmm... Not too shabby... you must get the ladies easy, huh?  
  
DM- O.o What?! What do you mean?!  
  
Man- I mean, you got what they want... not too big... not too small...  
  
DM- O.o WTF??? Are you looking at my dick?! *finishes and steps back from the man*  
  
Man- Well... alright... tell me... *gets closer to DM* What do you think? *unzips his pants and whips it out* Do I have a chance?... Be honest man!  
  
DM- O.o*** WOULD YOU JUST... HERE... TAKE THE PISS AND JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, O-KAY! *DM backs off and runs away*  
  
Man- Damn... Happens every time...  
  
*the DM finally stumbles apon the right room, there's a nurse in there with DMG, explaining how a tampon works*  
  
Nurse- Then you leave the string down and... You're done!  
  
DMG- Wow! That's really easy! *happily* Thank you!  
  
Nurse- Sure. You're very welcome! *goes to leave and sees DM standing out the doorway* Oh... I think your way home is here!  
  
DMG- *sees DM and gets up to go to him* YAY! *she hops into his arms* Darky! ^__^  
  
DM- *blushes* I'm glad you're alright now... Are you ready to go home?  
  
DMG- Mmm-hmm! ^__^  
  
*they leave the hospital, headed home*  
  
------------------HOME-------------------------------------------------------  
  
DM- Oh Ra... What a day...  
  
DMG- *yawns and sits down on the couch* I'm sooo tired...  
  
DM- You should probably go to bed, huh? *he got no reply, she was fast asleep* Poor girl. *he picked her up and he put her to bed, kissing her forehead as he left her room*  
  
*he flopped on the couch himself, just thinking about the crazy events of the past few days. Suddenly, a knock came to the door*  
  
DM- *answers it* Hello? *a squad of cops rush in and grab him. They cuff him* What's going on?!  
  
Cop- You're under arrest, buddy! *they haul him out*  
  
****BUM BUM BUM!!! That'll be pt 5! Which will be split into two separate parts because it's so freakin' long!!! It was 13 front and back notebook pages!!! DAMN!!!! - GF 


	6. the state prison:pt 1

PARENTAL ADVISORY  
  
EXPLICIT CONTENT  
  
What you are about to read is pretty heartwrenching.... but mostly violent... YAY Violence!  
  
But not really... It's just a bit desturbing at times! If you felt sorry for the Dark Magician before... You ain't read nothin' yet! This is the ultimate torture that he has to go through! Even worse than EDNA!!! I hope you enjoy it! This is Pt 1 of Pt 5... Yeah... that was gay...  
  
PT 5: Part one of the state prison!  
  
*the sun has come up. The DMG walks happily out of her bedroom, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes*  
  
DMG- Morning Darky! *she yells* ... Darky? *he's nowhere to be found* Oh RA! WHERE IS HE?! *puts her hands on her mouth in shock*  
  
*meanwhile... at the State prison house...*  
  
DM- You'll never make me confess to something I didn't do! *he's hand-cuffed, in a chair, being questioned by two officers*  
  
Officer 1- Oh you will! Whether we have to beat it out of you or what!  
  
Officer 2- Admit it! You had possession of ILLEGAL drugs! * gets up in the DM's face*  
  
DM- *silent resistance ((yay! Ghandi would be proud!))*  
  
Officer 1- I don't think we're gonna get anything outta him.  
  
Officer 2- *steps back slowly and crosses his arms* Search him.  
  
DM- Wha-? *blinks*  
  
Officer 1- Get up, face the wall, drop your pants and bend over!  
  
DM- O.o WHAT?! What are you gonna do? *the cops put him to the wall and rip his pants down* Oh Ra... *DM closes his eyes in fear*  
  
*a nurse walks in with a huge wad of gum in her mouth*  
  
Nurse- Hello boys! *pops the gum and takes out a blue rubber glove* Time for your... Check up! *snaps the glove on her hand and gets ready* I'm goin' in!  
  
DM- Oh, RA! *closes his eyes* GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! ((Ooo...DM gets a cavity search!))  
  
Nurse- *pulls her hand back* Nope. He's clean... For now... *leaves, throwing the glove away on her way out*  
  
DM- OWWWIE!!! *he crys in pain* My ass! It HURTS! *the cops pull his pants up and grab him by the arms*  
  
Officer 1- You're coming with us! *they lead him into... the holding area!*  
  
*the DM tagged along behind the cops as they passed numerous cells full of guys*  
  
Inmate 1- *sticks his head out of the bars and squeazes his lips into a smooch, directed towards DM*  
  
DM- O.o WTF???  
  
Inmate 2- Hey there young piece of ass! Call me, pretty boy! GRRRRR! *the DM tries to walk faster*  
  
Inmate 3- Oh yeah boys! Here comes fresh meat! Mmmmm... *laughs evilly*  
  
DM- Dear Ra... *the cops stop in front of... Cell #13*  
  
Officer 2- This is you're new home, boy! *DM looks at the 3 guys in the cell* These three will be your new family for the next 10 years! Enjoy! *they push him into the cell and leave. The DM looks at his new dank cell*  
  
DM- *discusted at the toilet* GAWW... * one of his cell mates ((Eddie)) comes up and starts licking his cheek*  
  
Eddie- Oh yeah! *licking him* You ate... hospital mac and cheese, eh? *laughs and goes to lick the wall*  
  
DM- Ewww... *shudders and wipes off his cheek* Huh?...  
  
Other cell mate- EDDIE! DOWN BOY!  
  
DM- Hey! Are you... You're STEPHEN KING!  
  
SK- Yup! That's me!  
  
DM- Why are you here?! You're an author!  
  
SK- Some guy pissed me off at the news stand. I told him to shove my book up his ass and that Cujo was gonna kill him and rape his family. He pressed charges and I ended up here!  
  
DM- O-kay... Where's your huge glasses? *points at his face*  
  
SK- I only wear those in public appearances so women wont flock me... I'm really a hottie!  
  
DM- O.o WTF?! What ever you say man!... Hey, what's that huge black shadow over there? *points at the wall*  
  
SK- That's not a black shadow. Thats... Big Bubba!  
  
Eddie- That's Big Bubba... Don't talk to him! *licks DM's ear*  
  
DM- If you... lick me... again... I will rip... out your tounge... and shove it... up your ass... *puts his index finger up* COMPRENDE?!  
  
Eddie- O.o Alright... geez... *goes to lick the bars*  
  
SK- Wierdo... *shaking his head*  
  
Big Bubba- *comes out of the shadows. He's 7 feet tall and 500 pounds* You talkin' to me, boy?  
  
DM- *sweatdrop* Umm... no... no, sir! *he backs up to the wall*  
  
BB- I'll get you boy... Jus' you wait... I'll get you...  
  
DM- *gulps* Oh, Ra...  
  
SK- Yeah... Anyway, what's your name?  
  
DM- Umm... I'm... the Dark Magician.  
  
SK- Oh... Well... *scratches his head*  
  
DM- Well, you can call me... D. *Eddie starts sniffing his ass* O.o *the DM smacks him on the head*  
  
Eddie- *backs off* Owww... My eye!  
  
SK- Alright, D. *nods his head*  
  
Eddie- You can call me... 2-pac!  
  
DM- O-kay... And you can call me Dr. Dre! *sarcastically*  
  
SK- O.o *walks up to the DM* Well, let me give you a piece of advise D... first, never drop the soap in the shower... they tend to get you quicker that way...  
  
DM- O.o  
  
SK- Second, never let your head get below anyone's waiste... trust me...  
  
DM- O.o  
  
SK- And third... never... ever... fall asleep... at night...  
  
DM- *nods* O-kay...  
  
*Meanwhile... back at the DM's home*  
  
DMG- *ripping apart the house* DARKY!!! DARKY, WHERE ARE YOU!?!? *stops* Oh, maybe he did the shrinking spell again...*eye's widen* Uh-Oh... Oh, please. *looks at the bottom of her boot* Oh RA NO! *sees the tiny, minature staff stuck in a wad of gum* NOOOO! *tears form in her eyes* DARKY!!! Why!?!? *she falls to her knees and anime style tears stream out of her eyes* WAAAAAAAAAH!!!! *the room begins to flood out*...Wait a minute... Maybe since I only found his staff... OH! *hops to her feet and begins to search* Darky? *lifts up the couch cushions* Are you here? *looks in shoes, pots and pans* Darky? Here boy. *whistling*  
  
***Oh NOOOOO!!! What's gonna happen to the DM next???? It only gets worse as the story goes on!!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! Stay tuned!!!  
  
-GF 


	7. the state prison:pt 2

***I'm back with pt 2 of pt 5!!!! Please enjoy... The opening scene is one to never be forgotten!!!!  
  
--------------AT THE PRISON...--------------------------------------------  
  
*All of the inmates have gathered in the showers...*  
  
DM- *looking around nervously* Umm... *he walks in, he's the only one with a towl on while showering*  
  
Eddie- *comes up to the DM and gives him a wet willie* Hey, Dre... can I Tea-bag your adam's apple??? ((For those of you who don't know what t-bagging is... it's when a guy smacks his balls up against something... and for those of you who don't know what an adam's apple is... it's that huge bulge that guy's have on their throat... yeah...))  
  
DM- O.o WTF??? EDDIE! *annoyed*  
  
Eddie- Uhh.. It's 2-pac man...  
  
DM- Alright... 2-pac... I have two words for you... go... away... *smiles and points in the opposite direction*  
  
Eddie- Fine then... see ya at dinner! *winks and walks off*  
  
DM- Oh, Ra... *shakes his head and then shudders*  
  
*suddenly... one of the guys comes up and rips off Darky's towl*  
  
DM- O.o Oh fuck!  
  
Inmate 1- Hey... *showering next to him* Nice twig and berries there... I could go for that!  
  
DM- O.o *covers his front and back with both hands*   
  
*a bunch of guys start to shout cat calls... One of them comes up and grabs a huge piece of DM's ass*  
  
DM- O.o GAAAW! *backs into a corner*  
  
*another inmate slaps his right ass cheek with a towl*  
  
DM- NOOOOOO! I'm never showering here again! GAAAAHH! *runs out of the shower screaming*  
  
Eddie- What's with Dre?  
  
SK- Maybe he's not gay like you guys!  
  
Eddie- Just give me time... I'll turn him... I'll turn him...  
  
********1 hour later...*********************************  
  
Officer 1- *making his rounds* Dinner time in one hour boys! *he's passing the DM's cell*  
  
DM- *goes up to the bars* When do I get my phone call?  
  
Officer 1- *annoyed* You can have it now, I guess... but make it quick, pal. *let's Darky out and leads him to the payphone*  
  
DM- Hmm... Who should I call?... Well, I can't call the Dark Magician Girl... She wouldn't understand... *he thinks deeply* Oh! I know... I'll call Celty! He'll know what to do!  
  
Officer 2- *at the desk* Hurry it up over there pal!  
  
DM- I'm going! I'm going!  
  
Officer 2- *under his breath* Smart-ass youth today...  
  
DM- Ra, I hope he picks up...*dials the number and a woman picks up*  
  
Woman- Hello?  
  
DM- Hello, uh...  
  
Woman- You've reached your local Piggly Wiggly's. I'm Edna, how may I help you? ((Ha Ha... Edna returns...))  
  
DM- EDNA?! *gulps*  
  
Edna- Hello?... Oh, it's you! That nice young man looking for the turkey! How are you?  
  
DM- I'm just peachy!! And I wasn't looking for a turkey, dammit! GOOD BYE! *hangs up the phone*  
  
Officer 2- O.o *staring at him*  
  
DM- Uhh... wrong number *smiles* O-kay... Let's try this again... *he makes sure to dial correctly...the phone rings 3 times* Come on Celty... Pick up...  
  
Celty- Hello...  
  
DM- CELTY?! *hyper-like*  
  
Celty- *his answering machine is on... with a Bevis and Butthead impression* Heh heh... * in Bevis's voice* leave a message after the boob! *Butthead's voice* Huh huh... You said BOOB! Huh huh... *beep*  
  
DM- DAMN YOU CELTY! YOU JUST HAVE TO BE GONE WHEN I'M IN PRISON DON'T YOU?! DUMB-ASS BASTARD! GAWWW! *he's cut off before he can finish*  
  
Officer 2- Times up, boy! *the officer motions for him to get off* It's dinner time now... in the mess hall!  
  
DM- Shit... *hangs up the phone and heads towards the cafeteria*  
  
*Meanwhile... once again at DM's home...*  
  
*the DMG sat on the old, worn-in couch and stared at the front door*  
  
DMG- Hmm...*sigh* Where could he be? *she pulled a blanket over her and sat still once again* Where are you, Darky?... You're making me worry about you... *her eyes begin to slowly drift shut*... I miss you... *yawn*...Good night, Darky... *she falls into an uneasy sleep*...  
  
-----------------BACK AT THE CAFETERIA...--------------------------------------  
  
*the DM sits down beside Stephen King and some guy with ripped muscles*  
  
SK- Hey D! You look a little troubled...  
  
DM- *in a traumatized voice* I almost got raped in the showers! Raspberries! I can't take it anymore!  
  
SK- Yeah... That was really nothing compared to what happens at night... You're just lucky you didn't drop the soap, pal. *pats the shacken up DM on the back*  
  
*Suddenly, Eddie sits by the DM with a friend of his...*  
  
Eddie- Hey there Dre! Have fun in the showers?  
  
DM- *looks at him, annoyed* No! As a matter of fact I didn't, Eddie!  
  
Eddie- Dude... It's 2-pac... man! *the huge muscular guy is listening to them*  
  
Guy- *deep voiced* So you were the guy who got stripped in the shower!  
  
DM- Umm... Yeah... It was bad... and who are you?  
  
Guy- Oh, I know *does gay hand twitchy thing* Those guys are such brutes! *valley girl style* It's terrible!... Oh, I'm Ben... Ben Dover! *holds out his hand to DM*  
  
DM- O.o *takes Ben's hand, wondering exactly "where" it's been...*  
  
Eddie's friend- *sitting next to Ben* Oh, no kidding! But that's nothing compared to what Bubbles used to do to me... ((fyi: Bubbles is a chimp))  
  
*The DM looks at him and gasps*  
  
DM- Mi-M-Michael Jackson?!?! You're in here!? *wide-eyed*  
  
MJ- Oh, yes... I had a little run in with a fan...  
  
SK- Michael... You need to stop with the little boys! It's worse than my horror stories!  
  
DM- You... you?... And a little kid?! *suprised* That's sick! Discusting!  
  
MJ- Well... Bubbles wouldn't do it for me.  
  
DM- I can't take this anymore! I'm eating! *takes a bite out of his baked potato*  
  
*a big booming voice then sounds...*  
  
BB- HEY!  
  
*the DM looks up and gulps*  
  
BB- *staring at the DM* YOU GONNA EAT YO' CO'N BREAD??  
  
DM- Umm...  
  
Ben- Give it to him, pal. *scared*  
  
DM- Well... I was... uh... yeah... I am... *gulps*  
  
BB- You don' gimme yo' co'n bread now... *picks up his eating tool* I shove my spo'k up yo' pee-hole!  
  
DM- Uhh... O.o You know what... Did I say yes? I-I meant no I'm not gonna eat it! You...you can have it!... And the corn too!... You know... have the whole tray! I'm not hungry! *runs out of the room screaming*  
  
SK- Up the pee-hole... *cringes* that's harsh...  
  
---------------------------------2 DAYS LATER...-------------------------------------------------  
  
Officer 1- *comes up to the DM's cell* You have someone here to bail you out, boy! *the Celtic Guardian steps forward*  
  
DM- Celty!?  
  
CG- Hey, dude... how ya been? *smiling*  
  
DM- I'm... well... bail? What do you mean bail? *blinks twice*  
  
Officer 1- Well... we made a mistake sir... *Edna walks in*  
  
DM- Edna?! O.o***  
  
Edna- Oh, hellooo! *smiling*  
  
DM- I don't understand! *confused*  
  
Officer 1- Well, we got your urine sample mixed up with someone elses...  
  
Edna- My Herman's the drug addict... *shaking her head* and you're not Herman.  
  
DM- So... I... *getting angry* I was here... for nothing???  
  
Officer 1- *scratching his head* Ummm... We're sorry, sonny... but you're free to go now...  
  
DM- You damn well better believe I'm free to go!!!  
  
CG- Come on, Dude... Let's get you home. *the DM is let out to face Celty. His hair is ruffled, he has huge bags under his eyes, which are blood shot, and he's taken on an unmistakalbe stench* Whoa... You look like shit!  
  
DM- Thanks! *sarcastically*... Oh! By the way... WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO FUCKING LONG TO GET HERE?! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS?! *pissed*  
  
CG- I was on a date with the Mystical Elf! I went home with her and... well... we've really got a lot in common! *smiles and winks*  
  
DM- I don't wanna know...  
  
Eddie- Hey! *waving to the DM* See ya Dre! It was fun!  
  
DM- Eddie... my name is... oh, hell... call me whatever you want! I'm outta here!  
  
BB- Bye-bye, chicken boy! *waving his huge arms*  
  
SK- Hey D! I'll see you around! *waving*  
  
DM- See ya! *waves at him*  
  
CG- O.o Stephen King?!  
  
SK- Hey! I'll write a novel about you, man!  
  
DM- Wha-?  
  
SK- You'll be a psyco that kills his family with a stick of celery!... I'll call it... The Veggie Chronicles! *smiles*  
  
DM- O.o Umm... Yeah. See ya!  
  
MJ- Good-bye Darky-Poo! I'll tell Bubbles all about you! *grabs his crotch* Owww!  
  
CG- Uh... Are you aware of that? *points at MJ*  
  
DM- Oh... yeah. *sighs* can I go home now?!  
  
CG- Sure... Dark Magician Girl should be happy to see you!  
  
DM- Yeah...  
  
*The DM arrives home late that night. He finds a sleeping DMG on the couch, curled up in a blanket. A dry, but visible trail of tears was present on her face*  
  
DM- *wearily* Poor girl... She must've been trying to wait up for me. *he walked over to her and lightly touched her forehead* I'm home...  
  
DMG- *opens her eyes to find the DM, forcing a smile on his tired face* Wha-? DARKY?! YOU'RE BACK! *leaps into his arms and holds him in a death grip, despite his appearance* Oh, I'm soo happy you came back! *tears of relief coming from her eyes* I thought you shrank! I was sooo worried!  
  
DM- *looks down at her* Shrank? What? What do you mean? *blinks*  
  
DMG- Well... I found this stuck to the bottom of my boot! *shows him the shrunken staff*  
  
DM- O.o *takes the staff* Hey!... I've been looking for that! Thanks for finding it! *smiles at her*  
  
DMG- *blush* Oh, well... You're welcome! *giggle*  
  
DM- I'm glad to be back home. I missed you a lot...  
  
DMG- Me too... missed you that is! *smiles* You must have been through a lot, huh? *wipes some dirt of his forehead*  
  
DM- More than your young, innocent ears nead to know! *laughs absent-mindedly* But... yeah...  
  
DMG- Is there anything I can do for you? *sweetly*  
  
DM- Uh... yeah... could you get me a towel? I need to shower!  
  
DMG- M-kay, Darky. *nods*  
  
DM- Thanks, you're too sweet... *kisses her on the cheek and goes to the bathroom*  
  
DMG- *blushing* Wow... That was... great... *goes to get a towel and is daydreaming while doing that!*  
  
-----------BACK AT THE PRISON...-------------------------------------------  
  
SK- Oh... *singing* I pleadge allegience to the flag! Michael Jackson is a fag! My momma taught him how to sing, but all he does is pull his thing!  
  
MJ- Hey!... Oh... I guess it's true! THANKS MOMMA KING! *grabs his crotch* OWWW!  
  
********DAMN! That was a looooonnnnngggg assssssssss chapter! Well, one more to go and that'll be a wrap for this story! I hope you've really enjoyed it and want more! If so, I'll write you a sequel! Peace out for now! - GF 


	8. the violent mood swings!

*****Hey! Wuz up dirty? Ay yo trip dogg, I'm startin' pt 6 of my shizzle! Vizzle Mizzle Swizzle! Uhh... That's Violent Mood Swings... But before we start, I would just like to say to my good friend the Lone Walmart Pope of the Apocalypse ((aka: zybawolf, if you'ver heard of her!)) that I am sorry... for raping tables... yeah... on with the story... Shizzle Bizzle!!!  
  
Pt 6: Violent Mood Swings!  
  
*The DMG slowly opened her eyes and the bright morning sun hit her face...*  
  
DMG- *rubbing the sleep out of her eyes* Hooray! It's morning! *giggles* I wonder if Darky's awake?! *goes to the living area* Darky? Hellooo?  
  
DM- I'm here, kiddo... *sitting at his desk, doing paperwork for the magic council*  
  
DMG- What the hell?! *pissed off* Did you just fucking call me KIDDO?! You better take that back or I'll open a can on you, bitch!!!  
  
DM- Where did you hear all those words?! *half angry*  
  
DMG- *becomes disturbingly happy* I LOVE DOLPHINS!!!! ^___^  
  
DM- O.o You... love dolphins..? *confused*  
  
DMG- *breaks down and starts to cry* THE DOLPHINS ARE DYING! THEY'RE KILLING THEM AND PUTTING THEM IN TUNA!!!  
  
DM- O.o  
  
DMG- Damn the Starkiss! Damn all of them to hell! Chicken of the Sea bastards!!! *crying still*  
  
DM- Calm down... We buy dolphin safe tuna, o-kay? *he caresses her cheek softly*  
  
DMG- *sniffs* But... Will... will you buy me a dolphin, Darky-Poo? *gives him a pouty lip and overly adorable puppy dog eyes*  
  
DM- *frowns* Please don't do that thing! *calmly* I can't get you a dolphin... you see... we don't have a place to keep it... and...  
  
DMG- *sadly* Um... O-kay... I understand... *sudden demonic voice* Buy me a fucking dolphin!!!  
  
DM- O.o Calm down... and stop saying the "F" word, please? *getting a little afraid*  
  
DMG- *waving her arms around wildly* Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck!!! I want a fucking dolphin!!!  
  
DM- *getting angry, he sticks up a long index finger* If you say dolphin... one more time...  
  
DMG- *gets up in his face* dol-phin! *begins to prance around the room singing* Dolphis! Dolphins! Dolphins! Dolphins! Dolphins! *takes a deep breath* DOLPHINS!!!  
  
DM- *explodes with anger and annoyment* GAAAAAAH!!! *begins to yell at the DMG* I went through hell for you the passed few days! I was harassed by an old woman in a Piggly Wiggly's, I had to buy you an ass-load of freakin' pads and tampons! I was called gay by I don't know how many people!! I was random drug tested in a hospital and had to look at some guys... thing!!! I was nearly raped in prison by a 7 foot tall, 500 pound black guy named Big Bubba!! And I still managed to stay calm and cool through all of this! What the hell do you want from me!!!  
  
DMG- *tears form in her green eyes* I- I'm sorry... *starts to cry* I- I just wanted a dolphin... *bursts into tears* WAAAAAAA!!!  
  
DM- *suddenly guilt-stricken* Aww... I didn't mean it... *pulls her into an embrace and begins to rock her back and forth, stroking her long blond hair* I should've expected this... it's part of PMS... the mood swings and all... I'm sorry for yelling at you, sweetheart... *he blushes at his words*  
  
DMG- *looks up at him* PMS? *sniffs* W-What is that? *blinks innocently*   
  
DM- Well... its things that happen during or after menstr... um... your... period... thing... *blushing*  
  
DMG- Oh... *smiles at him and buries her face in his chest* I'm sorry, Darky... forgive me...  
  
DM- I do... forgive you... *he held her tighter, but gentle enough as not to smother her*  
  
DMG- Darky... *softly*  
  
DM- Hmm?  
  
DMG- *she looks him in the eyes* You're the best... *she hugs him* Thanks for taking care of me this week!  
  
DM- No problem... *kisses her on the forehead*  
  
DMG- *giggles* You're too adorable!   
  
DM- *blushes* Oh, really? *smiles*  
  
DMG- Darky...? *tentativly*  
  
DM- Yeah?  
  
DMG- *kisses him sofly on the lips!* ((Woo! Go DMG!))  
  
DM- *blushing* What was that for?  
  
DMG- For all that you've done for me... and because... I... I love you, Darky.  
  
DM- *wide-eyed* Umm... are you sure you know what you're saying?  
  
DMG- Mm-hm. * nods her head*  
  
DM- *smiles and kisses her* I love you, too... Really... *they embrace again*  
  
DMG- Darky? *looking up at him*  
  
DM- Huh?  
  
DMG- I decided that I don't want a dolphin anymore.  
  
DM- Oh, you did, huh? *chuckling*  
  
DMG- Yeah, but... can you make me a tuna sandwitch instead?... I'm starving!  
  
*The DM laughs again and he and the DMG go to make her a sandwitch.*  
  
THE END  
  
****** HOOOOO YEAH! That was fun! Hey, I am planning to write a sequel for all you people that have reviewed, and those who haven't yet! Thanks to everyone who kept up with my story! You have all motivated me to writing a freakin awesome and hilarious sequel! For now, I'll give you all a sneak peak at whats to come!!!!***********  
  
The Dark Magician's Vacation!!!!  
  
The Dark Magician and his friends go to enjoy a relaxing vacation in Cancun, Mexico! Unfortunatly, the DM's luck hasn't changed. A weird and horrible chain of events begins to torment him once again!  
  
With the same lovable characters, the DM and DMG. Plus, the Celtic Guardian, Flame Swordsman, Mystical Elf, and Magician of Faith!  
  
With the same action, zanny comedy, and romance as the first story!  
  
Also, more music, more dirty indewindows, more jail time, and... a clone?!  
  
Guest stars: Paul McCartney, Elton John, Ringo Star and... Blink 182!  
  
If you felt sorry for the DM before, you haven't seen anything yet! Let's just say, "May God have mercy on his soul!"  
  
COMMING SOON!!! ^__^ 


End file.
